all american failure

nov 25, 2024

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Almost Omelette

current mood: happily depressed

currently eating: nothing at the moment

currently drinking: melted coke

listening to: pigs fly

quote: "went to sleep at seven never woke up from the dream."

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usually, i would be at school today. however this week is thanksgiving break, finally.

at first i thought it would be boring but ive found myself pleasantly busy. theres a lot of things ive been meaning to do.

for one, peep the site. its all new and cool looking. ain't that nice? more stuff on the way too.

i recently got a violin, its such a beautiful instrument. what also drew me to getting one is the difficulty of it.

i remember being a young kid and these group of other kids who were really smart and talented would play instruments like that.

i wanted to be just like them, so i would try to talk to them. but i couldn't. i just didn't know what to say.

then they treated me like i was lesser, and i was stupid.

it was that thing were asian children were the "smart ones", and i feel they played into it.

since i was the stupid mexican who had stay after class to struggle with math,

everytime i would try to talk to them they would give me weird looks and back-handed comments.

i would embarass myself trying to be apart of their group. it didn't help that they were all so popular too.

so i would end up pushed back in "my lane". it really hurt me.

i remember going up to my friend at the time end asking him something along the lines of "am i stupid? do i suck at everything?"

and he stopped and said "well you're good at some....things" in that same manner.

i wanted to be smarter, because i thought then people would like me. now i realize people just don't care about me anyway.

but i want to do the things that those kids did, but even better. because i know they think im some homeless junkie now. all that taunting,

that look on their face, the face of superiority. making me feel like a lesser human being.

my view on my intellect has never been the same since.

its a shame that something similar happened this year again, i guess thats why it struck me so hard.

its things like this that make me realize that my past is very directly involved in the reason why i am where i am now,

my current situation, and the person i have been "reborn" as.

im slowly allowing my brain to remember all the things i tried to forget.

it seems there are still things from my past that i need to come to terms with.

moving on from that, today was pretty weird. ummmm.. how do i say this.

some person i know asked me out. but the thing is... i do not like this person.

to tell you the truth, i find them quite annoying. but this year ive been trying to be a better person, so i was being nice and stuff.

but i guess it was taken the wrong way.

they keep trying to talk to me too. but i really don't connect with this type of person. i was just trying to be nice....

ive only been asked out twice in my life from what i remember. and both times are from people i have zero interest in even speaking to.

how come the people i don't like seem to like me. what the hell...

im probably gonna just gonna stop talking to this person, i mean i rarely did in the first place but they're so insistent on talking and telling me

personal shit. the nicest thing to do stop being so nice.

im starting to rethink this whole, i wanna have a lot of friends thing. because i can't stand annoying people. and i'd rather have a genuine friend

then some person i don't even care about.

its odd being the other person on the end now, because now i'm the one pushing away someone. its giving me all sorts of mixed feelings.

how the tables haved turned.

Yours truly,

Almost Omelette.