jade

dec 14, 2024

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AVISORY: this journal contains topics of abuse, as well as implications of self harm and suicide.

this one was a hard entry to write so please be mindful of the personal subject matter.

if you are experiencing any thoughts of wanting to harm yourself or others please seek medical attention.

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Almost Omelette

current mood:

currently eating:

currently drinking:

listening to:

quote: "i wish we could hug forever."

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hello again.

i haven't made a post in some time.

ever since my revelation, things have taken a sharp turn.

my mind had begun to slowly question more and more around me. and soon, i began questioning my purpose.

and it led me to another revelation.

it was all my fault.

the reason im all alone, the reason why i left so many people, the reason why i switched so many schools.

the reason why i almost died, the reason why i was such a terrible person, the reason why i hate myself.

all the identities...

it was all me. not anyone else. and the craziest thing...

i was always like this.

it's true...

i haven't been a happy person in a very long time.

i am a miserable, miserable person.

i just try to seem happy so people don't ask me whats wrong.

i had always blamed others for why life ended up the way it did, and why i wasn't happy.

and i began to resent people, simply for having things i didn't.

i cried to myself, expecting some divine force to take pity and fix my life. begging for the sympathy that i did not give all those years ago.

i convinced myself that the people i hurt deserved it, and gave myself reason to justify it.

but they were not bad people. it was all me.

im so sorry.

i accept it all now.

i am a bad person.

this entire time i had been desperately trying to be a "good person".

while not realizing that i was no such thing. i was just lying to myself to make myself feel better.

i had started to become the type of person i claimed to hate.

and...

jade, im sorry.

im so so so so sorry.

you never deserved any of this, this was never any of your fault. i blamed you for all my problems.

its been so many years... and i know that you might have tried to forget me too.

maybe you already have.

but i don't wanna forget you anymore.

this entire time ive been trying to forget all of my past, but i can't do it anymore.

i was always thinking about it, and i don't think i'll ever stop.

but maybe i can use all this tragedy, and turn it into something good.

and ill do it all for you. ill give all the people in the world the happiness that i never gave you.

im crying now.

i always was the crybaby huh?

i know you'll never see this.

but just know... that im gonna make this world better. for you, and for me.

thank you for making me live again. thank you for letting the butterfly land on me, our last time together.

i became alexei that day.

i don't regret anything anymore.

i will never forget you.

its getting harder to remember your face...

but i'll think of you sometimes. to remind me to always be human, and be the amazing person you always were.

i will never forget you.

i love you.

i will always love you.