revelation

nov 30, 2024

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost Omelette

current mood: enlightend

currently eating: nothing at the moment

currently drinking: kool aid

listening to: forever (1960)

quote: "i have known little civility, sir."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hello.

happy late thanksgiving.

ive had a revelation.

and it led to me smashing up someones car.

i've realized that people don't actually want me in their lives. and i dont want others in mine.

i was trying way too hard to be everyones buddy. i wanted to be a part of something. but i can't stand it anymore.

no, i haven't been doing well mentally. and im tired of pretending to be okay with it all.

i really do wish i could blog about happy things, but not many things are very happy anymore.

i still need to find happiness within myself.

my pills came in recently, so ive been on those.

i feel those played a role in what happened next.

late in the night before thanksgiving, this revelation of people not caring about me hit the hardest.

i was in an odd state of mind, and i was feeling very violent.

i don't know what had gotten into me.

before i knew it it was around 5 am and i was out in the middle of the night, wearing all black, covered in make up.

also holding this large metal weapon thing with two sharp blades.

eventually i found this beautiful white car, and its pristine look caught my eye.

i stared right at the sign near it.

"NEIGHBORHOOD CRIME WATCH. ANY AND ALL SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY WILL BE REPORTED TO AUTHORITIES.

yet for some reason, it didn't stop me.

i ran up to the car and started beating the window with my weapon. i wanted it to burn, i wanted it all to come crumbling down.

but the fact it didn't only angered me further, so i hit it even harder until it finaly started cracking.

with its cracks i felt my inner mirrors crack too.

all the regret, all my anger, why did everyone have to leave me. my old self. why did i have to ruin it all. i traded it all.

and for what. all to end up here?

maybe i deserve this.

finally settling out of my anger, i had realized what i was doing. so i quickly panicked and left.

and while running away, all i could muster to myself was "im not a bad person.... im not a bad person..."

all the while rubbing away the makeup from my face with my sleeve.

i got home and just lied in the back area on all the dirt. i felt it then. i don't care about people anymore.

im gonna have to deal with myself, alone.

for i truly only have myself.

i look at myself in the mirror and all i see is smeared make up.

it's sad to say.. but i can't explain it. i don't know why i love hiding in the make up so much.

it gives me so much confidence, it makes me so much happier, it lets me hide from myself.

i see now that "almost omelette" is some weird coping mechanism. but i don't care anymore. i accept it all.

it makes me feel things ive only dreamed of.

Yours truly,

Almost Omelette.